Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
