Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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