i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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