Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we made out on top of his cat.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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