You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
