Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
In America we eat man semen.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
