And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
