If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
