I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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