3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
