Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
