i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
