Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
