Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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