How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
