everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
