I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
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