you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
