FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
