life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just cropdusted the office
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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