id be glad to
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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