This dress was meant to end up on your floor
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
