Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Actions speak louder than pants.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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