Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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