dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
