I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
