Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
