life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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