That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
