Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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