I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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