fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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