I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Quick, to the slutcave!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
