Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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