between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
