IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
