I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
