so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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