Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
