My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
