the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
