feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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