I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
