I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
