I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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