Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
