woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
