no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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