So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
