so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
