is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
