Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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