she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
