he was CRYING into my vagina
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
