6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
