all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
