May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
