dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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